so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
