how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
