Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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