Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
