why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
