And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
