Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
