Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
