I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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