In the future we'll all be gay
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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