Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize