first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
