So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
