I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
