I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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