My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
