We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
