If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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