I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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