just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
