Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
