Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
