There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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