My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
how drunk are you?
Several
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My vagina just clenched in fear
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
