i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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