i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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