recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
