My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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