I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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