Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
