Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't turn off my feet"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
