The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
