I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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