hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
