before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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