he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
