Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
