My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
