you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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