haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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