youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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