So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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