Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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