just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize