I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
