I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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