I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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