her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
