Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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