I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry about my life...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
