god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
