i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You're like the curious george of whores
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
