Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
