Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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