So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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