its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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